Love, marriage, and money

My heart is full because I have been invited to FIVE weddings this year. I even officiated one of them! With all this love in the air, I thought I would devote some time to talking about a common money question: what’s the deal with combining finances?

To combine or not to combine

This winter I had a fantastic coaching session with a newlywed couple who was deciding whether / how to combine their finances – it turned out to be one of my favorite coaching sessions yet. She’s a teacher, he works in banking. As you can imagine, their incomes and assets were not the same.

At one point she said, “There are some things we can combine, but I wouldn’t want him to pay for things that only I use.” She was specifically thinking of her commute, which required more gas than his and involved some tolls. I asked her if she should cover the cost of tampons – something that, like her commute, he wouldn’t use, but might be a necessity for her. 

While she nodded, he went quiet. I was worried I lost him. I imagined him thinking, “Of course I wouldn’t pay for tampons.” But his response surprised both of us: “I would love to pay for whatever makes her life better and more comfortable.” She cried and I got the chills.

My take?

Combining finances is like moving in together – it’s a commitment to building a life together. You can combine finances fully or have a “yours, mine, and ours” set up, but sharing money in some way is a signal of trust, commitment, and teamwork.  

Since my husband and I combined our finances, money has become a team sport. We meet quarterly to update our numbers, talk about upcoming expenses, and strategize for the future. I am so grateful to have a teammate. 

If you’re looking for somewhere to start, start small. A shared account that covers shared expenses. Fund that shared account proportionately based on income. Remember that equal is not always fair and not all labor is compensated through a W-2. Next level: calculate what it takes for your family to thrive (tampons included) and fund that through a joint account.

This is my take and mine alone. I know couples that keep everything separate and make it work just fine. But at the end of the day, I picture myself at 80, asking my husband to pay me back me for this month's phone bill, and it’s not quite the life I’m dreaming of.